spacebawl (the blog)

We thought about it. Now you have to read it.

Friday, March 23, 2007

Climate Change, part 2: Job Opportunity!

Tired of your mundane career? Want to be afforded easy wealth, fabricated prestige, and sycophantic interviews on fair and balanced news networks just by telling trained experts with decades of peer-reviewed research under their belts that they're full of shit? Willing to do anything for money, and don't care about being respected in the morning? Perhaps a career as a climate change denier is for you!

Formal education requirements: nothing that would matter.

Required experience/qualifications: must be able to - digest and regurgitate neocon anti-environment talking points without spewing bilious vomit; accept money to say things you know are flagrant lies; not fear looking like an utter maroon with the mentality of a 2-year-old in front of your colleagues and thousands of TV viewers.

Preferred experience/qualifications: bizarre, unfounded distrust and fear of Democrats, liberals, progressives, environmentalists, and anyone else who wants to make society a better place for all living things, with a particular frothing, seizure-prone contempt for Al Gore (will provide on-the-job training); membership with the Republican or Libertarian Parties (if hired, membership fees and subsequent contributions will be reimbursed).

Benefits: undying respect and fellating from the current occupant of the White House and its supporters; guaranteed job with a successful organization upon "retirement".

Workplace culture: You will work with many respected peers in the field of human-induced climate change denial, such as a pair of has-been magicians who'd previously applied to lick the water torture device of Criss Angel, but were deemed grossly underqualified; a writer of dreary, formulaic science fiction novels with an adorable flair for immortalizing his critics as child molesters; and a host of well-paid, conscience-free organizations and individuals whose research is bought and paid for generously supported by successful multinational corporations. Marsha, please remove that "bought and paid for" bit before posting this on Monster.com – Thanks! the Boss

You will not be expected to waste valuable PR spin time on actual research or present facts or data; doing so is cause for immediate dismissal.

If you meet these qualifications, or hell, just own a Brooks Brothers suit and have good hair, please send your resume, cover letter, and references from three oil company executives to the Natural Resources Stewardship Project.

Actual trained and experienced climate scientists, dirty hippie treehugger libruls, and people capable of thinking for themselves need not apply.

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