God's prognostication skills leave something to be desired
I should have known better than to click on a link titled Pat Robertson: God told me of 'mass killing' in 2007 at 7:30 this morning. Nothing like seeing that squinty-eyed son of a bitch's face to make me throw up a little in my soul (h/t debutaunt for that highly useful phrase). Seems the ever-so-helpful Jehovah told Pat the War on Terrah would hit home again this year:
Evangelical broadcaster Pat Robertson said Tuesday that God has told him that a terrorist attack on the United States would cause a "mass killing" late in 2007.
"I'm not necessarily saying it's going to be nuclear," he said during his news-and-talk television show "The 700 Club" on the Christian Broadcasting Network.
"The Lord didn't say nuclear. But I do believe it will be something like that."
So, like, didn't Pat bother asking God for maybe a couple hints as to where this attack will occur? How about a more specific date? Or maybe God did share this potentially life-saving info with Pat but he doesn't want to reveal it to the rest of us heathen rabble; he'll just round up his Left Behind buddies and his closet queer compatriots and hide out in his humanitarian diamond mine until the radiation falls to a safe level.
And another thing - if the Lord didn't specifically say it would be a nuclear attack, who does Pat think he is putting words in the Almighty's mouth? Isn't that just a wee bit arrogant? Last I heard, arrogance was sinful or something. At the very least, it reveals what a sphincter the guy is.
As is typical of people like Robertson, he just doesn't know when to STFU:
In 2005, Robertson predicted that Bush would have victory after victory in his second term. He said Social Security reform proposals would be approved and Bush would nominate conservative judges to federal courts.
Lawmakers confirmed Bush's 2005 nominations of John Roberts and Samuel Alito to the Supreme Court. But the president's Social Security initiative was stalled.
"I have a relatively good track record," he said. "Sometimes I miss."
Hang on - I thought Pat said God told him all this stuff. So either Pat's entirely full of shit (likely), lying out his ass (also likely), batshit insane (inarguably), or the Almighty just ain't quite so infallible. Which is it, Pat? Will you protect the divine reputation of your Supreme Creator by admitting you're not quite on the level? That's gotta be a tough choice.
In May, Robertson said God told him that storms and possibly a tsunami were to crash into America's coastline in 2006.
Even though the U.S. was not hit with a tsunami, Robertson on Tuesday cited last spring's heavy rains and flooding in New England as partly fulfilling the prediction.
That puts God's and/or Pat Robertson's prognostication skills on par with those of the Farmer's Almanac - "It will snow in the Northeast in January." Worse, actually, if one is willing to take the Almanac's claim of 80% accuracy in long-term weather forecasting at face value.
I could predict that this weekend, I'll be treated to a fancy dinner and a night of passionate lovemaking, but what will probably happen is I'll stay home, eat a DiGiornio's pizza, then masturbate until I fall asleep. But since either way I'll have a full belly and a sloppy crotch, the end result will be the same. Thus, I can say with as much confidence as Pat Robertson that my prediction was at least partly fulfilled.